Raptor Proof

Quick post, in case you are currently about to finalize your dream home design, you might want to read this first

I spent a non-trivial amount of time considering how to raptor proof my eventual home. Raptor are not like rhinos or anything- a good brick wall will raptor proof your home for the most pat. The only problem is the door. raptors can open doors, you see. Of course, you could lock your door, but lets say you are running from the raptor, and have to fumble for keys to unlock the door- no good. You would get a raptor in your back. So maybe a keycard, for quick access? Well, you could possibly get in doors quick enough, but when you try to close the door, the raptor would overpower you can eat you. When I was walking around campus the other day, the obvious solution occurred to me- revolving doors. Raptors just wouldn't fit. Its perfect.

Things Worth Buying

Office Chair:
   If you are savvy you can get a good office chair for 50 dollars. A good office chair is padded, has wheels, and has the whoosh variety of up and down adjustability. An office chair will dramatically increase you quality of life. Being able to roll around to the fridge if your desk is near one, or being able to combine running your hands backwards over you hair and leaning back in your office chair when pausing in frustration during a particularly nasty calculus problem really hits the spot. If you are like me my day consists of running from class to class, from place to place, where the intervening time is spent sitting on sadly static and solid chairs (except my diff eq lecture- that place has movie theater style folding chairs), and when you get back to where ever you came were, you sit on a chair for the rest of the night. Now, I realize that this is a somewhat superfluous recommendation because everyone already has office chairs, but just in case you don't, you are missing out.

Recliner:
    I don't want to harp on about the value of quality furniture, so I will just say that before college, the two best pieces of furniture in the house were my office chair and my recliner, which I purchased with my own money.

Kindle
   Reading is awesome. But people don't read as often as they would enjoy, even those that really enjoy reading, because obtaining books is inconvenient, and often pricey. Well, kindles are kinda pricey- 139 dollars, but really thats not much compared to a laptop. A kindle lets you read much more. With my kindle, I discovered that young adults books are like, as my marine friend would say, who also owns a kindle, TV in book form- there is lots of explosions or comedy, generally entertaining stuff, that does not require any mental thought. And the price isn't that bad- say you buy movie of the year for 9 dollars- not sure who sells movies of the year for less than 10 dollars, but for the sake of what I will suddenly call an argument, you find one, and its Avatar, and you watch it, which lasts for about 3 hours. Or you could buy the best book written in the year , or maybe the best you thought was written for the same price, and guess what- the best book is better than Avatar, which really wasn't that good, and if you watched it without 12 foot subwoofers the second time around you might get bored. So yes, by a kindle. Oh, and you know how that great movie has a sequel that comes out every year and a half, for a year or two? Books do the same thing, but for longer because authors need to pay the rent by continuing to make good books. The only movies that do that, arguably, is the Harry Potter series, which ironically is not available on kindle because J.K. Rowling thinks they should only be enjoyed in paper form (not to mention multi-gillion dollar 3D cimema surround sound). And kindles have really long battery life! If you don't have a kindle, download the kindle app to your computer of phone thingy.

Micheal Crichton Series
    Buy the Michal Crichton series for your kindle- I haven't regretted reading one of his books yet. They tend to follow a certain trend: a scientific discovery in a remote location requires the main character to pass through a bunch of security features meant to contain the perfectly safe discovery, followed by the discovery getting out of control, killing the foolish creatures of the discovery, while the main character barley escapes. But the discoveries are all really cool, and there are good quotes: Read them.

Legos
   Legos are the best toy ever invented, and they make kids say "I want to be an inventor when I grow up" which is epic- Imagine having business cards saying: inventor, and under UV light it says either "that guy who makes Bat Man's stuff", "Doc Brown", "Doctor Who", "Tony Stark" and so forth. (More practical inventors are engineers on the side to pay the bills and foot the massive cost for thier underground lab)

Speakers
    If you like music, which you do presuming you've heard enough kinds of music to find the kind you like, the music sounds better coming out of speakers separate from your laptop- I suggest x-mini capsule speakers on amazon- they get good base, high quality, and charge via USB, which makes everything slightly cooler. I should get advertising monies for this post.

Foam Pillow
   No more lumps, no more pillow needing fluffing. Its worth it.

Buy things on amazon with your one year free trial of student prime shipping, where you get free 2 day shipping on a majority of items.

NO! TRY AGAIN

Nestled deep in a hidden valley of the Andes laid a little village. It people were a simple people. They grew fruit, cared for llamas, and spending their days working hard, and their nights with friends and family. The harvest was their way of life, and their livelihood. Every man women and child was part of the planting, watering, picking, and enjoying of the fruit that grew on verdant vines and trees all across the valley. Every fall for hundreds of years the strongest man in the village would bring the best fruit of the harvest to the shine of the god of nature and harvest to ensure a good crop the next year. And the best fruit was a prized variety, not grow anywhere else in the Andes, not anywhere in the southern half of the world: Apples. Of all the fruit, apples where the most worshipped, and valued. The people eat the apple raw, stewed it, roasted it, juiced it, mashed it, and dried it.

        On one particular fall day, just after the harvest was complete, and the whole village was gather in the village square. They stood around a large dirt courtyard, where the men wrestled to determine who gained the right to make the offering to the harvest god. The men wore traditional dyed bands of llama wool cloth, and displayed ceremonial designs painted on their faces. The village shaman beat a ceremonial drum, inciting the crowd as the last two contestants stepped into the ring. The crowd overflowing with excitement and tension- this was an unprecedented match- the last two competitors were identical twins. They had easily won their earlier matches, surpassing their competitors in strength and cunning. Still, there could only be one winner.

        The tempo and intensity of the drum accelerated, silencing the crowd, building louder and faster. The crowd held its breath. The two brothers faced one another, crouched and ready. The drum pounded insanely. Suddenly, silence.  This indicated the start of the match, and the crowd roared back into life as the brothers dove at each other. It was traditional to show bravery by not pausing or circling around your opponent as in many forms of wrestling.

        The bodies clashed, fighting fiercely to gain the upper hand. The loser was the first person whose head touched the ground, but the opponent was not allowed to touch the others shoulders, arms, or head. The dirt was churned to dust as the two matched opponents wrestled. Slowly the minutes ticked by. Far longer than any other match. The crowd slowly stopped cheering, lapsing into a grim silence as the twins unflaggingly wrestled on.

        The noon day sun slowly dipped towards the horizon, and the brothers wrestled on. The crowd grew tired- they had worked on the harvest without sleep for two days and two nights. Slowly they drifted back to their huts, until only the shaman remained, beating a slow tempo.

        The sun slowly rose that morning, and the villagers carefully picked their way towards the center of town. The two brothers were still in the ring, sitting on the ground, their arms wrapped in wrestling holds around one another, their heads supported upon one another’s, and fast asleep. The shaman had stopped beating his drum, signifying the end of the match.

        When the brothers awoke, the shaman informed them that their godlike strains were a sign, that it was intended for both of them to present the best apples to the harvest god. Of course, both brothers were deeply honored and enthusiastic about the task granted to them, and together, after a solid breakfast, set out to the storage cellars to choose the best apples to present to the gods.

        Choosing the perfect apples was a tricky ordeal, as one must judge the taste and texture without tasting the fruit. The foremost property the brothers looked for in an apple was the crispness- the best apples would not dent or deform in the hardest grip. Crisp apples make for strong white teeth, and strong men. The brothers tested the apples, each one, selecting the crispest, and smooth, and round specimens. Carefully packing the apples carefully in individual alpaca wool pouches, the brothers set out on the day long journey up the side of the valley to deliver the offering to the god of harvest.

        At dusk, the two brothers entered the shrine, which was hewn from a rocky outcropping, and made their way inside. The walls were intricately carved, and the altar onto which the apples were delivered sat empty, the harvest god having eaten the offering laid there the previous year. The sun dipped towards the horizon, and a shaft of light shot down the tunnel to the altar as the sun aligned with the cave opening. The brothers knelt, hands holding the apples up to the altar, placing them softly on it stone surface. But one brother felt the apple from one of his hands snatched away, and he heard crunch. Glancing sharply up the twins beheld the harvest god in his full glory- he sat on a chair made like an eagles nest, wore the wool of alpaca of a million hues, and was crowned with a helm of apple wood adored with apple leaves. The center of the helm had a single hole to see out of- the god had only one eye, in the center of his forehead. In his right hand he held his staff of power, which he used to grant a bountiful harvest on the land. Immediately upon recognizing the entity, the two brothers threw themselves to the ground in worship- it was not in anyone’s living memory that the god had presented himself to a mortal man. In the gods other hand he held one of the proffered apples, a bite taken from it, juice dripping from his palm.

        The god did not chew, but made a sour face, and spat the bite of apple on the ground, the juice spattering the brother who had proffered the apple.

        “What is this, this apple you offer to your god!” rumbled and roared the god, “Do you think this is fit for a god! You think this is crisp! This fruit is a disgrace” Snatching another apple, leaving one twin empty handed, he roared, “Look at this! Look” and the twin without apples raised his head with trepidation. The god held the apple firmly, his thumb pressed against one side. With a narrowing eyebrow, he clenched his fist and sunk his thumb into the apple like it was filled with apply sauce. “No! This is not fit for a god! I know not why I have for so many centuries put up with such meager offerings in return for my great services. But no more! There will be no wasted energy on your weak efforts! You and your people are in debt to me, and I shall be repaid. From now on, I demand half of your harvest delivered to this shrine; else you will never have a bountiful harvest again!”

        Now, most men would quiver under the power of such a god, and meekly agree to his demands, but the twins were braver, and cleverer than most men. The brother whose apples, which had had grown and chosen carefully, and reverently, surged with anger beneath his calm form.

        “Oh great god, it is true how we have dishonored you” he said, “This is surely a just payment for our failed efforts. It is my people’s only desire to provide apples to meet the specifications of our most revered god. Please, give us one more chance to prove we can grow an apple crisp enough to withstand your grip, and strengthen your teeth.”

        “Bah!” roared the god, “There is no apple that can withstand my grip, my teeth, and there is no point in your trying! I am a god, far more powerful then yourself, despite your ability defeat your kinsmen.” The brother’s eye glinted, and he said,

        “Surely if there is no way to create such an apple, than there is no harm in little wager that you cannot lose? I say, let me try to grow such an apple, and if I fail, you can take three quarters of our yearly harvest”

        “Hmm..” grumbled the god, tempted as he was greedy, “and if I lose?”

        “What I want if I win is irrelevant, as you cannot possibly lose! Is it a deal?”

        “Erm… Yes! Of course! I thank you for your graciousness to give me another quarter of your harvest!”

        “It is a deal then, and if I win I will take your staff of power, but never fear, my most revered god, you will surely win” The god’s eyebrow narrowed again, he vanished in a blast of smoke,

        “I’ll be back in a year to claim my three quarters of your efforts!”

When spring came the following year the brothers took extra care in selecting the best trees to tend, watering, pruning, and tending the trees with more devotion than ever before. In the harvest they cradled the apples carefully, judging the perfect day for each apple to be picked. They selected the crispest apples they had ever grown. But the twins knew that despite their efforts, no apple could survive the test of the god, but still they had to try. In the wrestling match, there was no stalemate- one brother slipped. When the time came one brother set out alone to take the sacred fruit to the shrine. Half way up the mountain he took a short cut through thick brambles, eager to get to his destination.

        He made the final leg of his pilgrimage to the shrine and entered it, to find the harvest god waiting for him, arms crossed and grinning.

        “Huh-hah! I lick my lips in anticipation of consuming your hard work! I think will eat your harvest in one sitting! Let us get this silly competition out of the way so I may claim me portion!”

        “Of course, great god, I have brought here the best apples I have ever produced. I hope they are to your liking.”

        “Ha! You know that these apples will not pass my test! I know that you were trying to trick me! But I kept my eye on you the entire year, since you left my cave a year ago! You knew I would watch, and could not try any trickery!”

        “Of course not, my god, I would, and could not attempt such trickery. Here is my honest effort” said the brother, offering an apple to the god. The god laughed and snatched the apple from the brother, holding it up in the fading beam of light, and then clenching his fist to crush the apple. Only it did not. The apple remained intact, not a bruise on it. The god grunted, and tried again, but could not break the fruit. Angrily he took a bite from the apple to prove his ability, and screamed as his teeth broke on its surface. With a garbled scream of rage, the furious god threw down his staff, and erupted in a plume of sulfurous smoke.

        On the way back to the village, the brother met his twin who had been waiting in the thick brambles, and together they made their way down the mountain, each enjoying half of the perfect apple.

        When they reached the village the villagers were astounded to see the twins in possession of the god’s staff. “How did you beat the god’s test?” they asked.

        “When we first met the god” one brother replied, “He never took his eye off of me- there has only ever been one visitor at his shrine, and knew not of my brother. In a thicket of brambles, my brother awaited me, and in a few seconds he took my place, with a pack of bronze apples he forged secretly over the year. Now we will always have bountiful harvests, and the best apples to ourselves!”