Fruit, a user's guide

Alot of people out there don't eat enough fruit or something. I don't really understand why- i'm pretty sure I eat way to much fruit. It's "healthy" sugar for one thing- in fact today alone I have eaten something like 6 mandarin oranges and an apple. But to those who are less familiar with fruit, this paper I wrote in 9th grade may be of some help:

           There are over one hundred commonly grown and eaten species of fruit. There are also many ways characteristic by which to scientifically classify these, such as their family, their shape, whether or not they have pits, and so on. However, I believe that since fruits exist to be eaten, they should be classified on a scale of whether or not they are worth eating. The two characteristics that define this scale are deliciousness, and difficulty of eating. Therefore all fruits are either disgusting/difficult, disgusting/easy, delicious/difficult, or delicious/easy.

            It is obvious that fruits that fall into the first category, disgusting and difficult, are on the lowest end of the scale. These fruits are hard to prepare, such as those having tough rinds, or too numerous seeds. They also taste terrible, or, as in the case of cherimoya, make your mouth feel funny. Raw gooseberries fall in this category. Gooseberries are extremely sour when not ripe, and when they are ripe they a mushy, and taste slightly decomposed. They are difficult to prepare due to the sharp, spiny branches whence they grow. Also, before any berries can be eaten each tiny stem must be removed. Individually. Fruit in this category is just not worth eating.

            The disgusting and easy category of fruit is the second lowest fruit on the scale. A fruit that is easy to prepare yet tastes is probably still not worth eating. These fruits may be eaten out of habit. For example, when watching a movie people eat popcorn, not so much for the taste, but because it is just habit to snack on something. Seeded grapes fall into this category. Seeded grapes, like popcorn, are easy to just pop into your mouth, no cutting or peeling required.  If I’m playing a game, or watching a movie, and I don’t want to make popcorn and a sandwich would require way too much effort, I may choose instead seeded grapes, despite the slimy eyeball like texture and taste. Fruit in this category may sometimes be worth eating.

            Just below the top of the scale is the delicious and difficult category. Out of all the categories, I believe that this category contains almost all of the best tasting fruits. A prime example for this category is pomegranate. Pomegranate is by far the most difficult fruit I have ever encountered. It must cut into wedges with a large knife, spaying deep red juice all over the place, forever staining the cutting board. The inside of the fruit is a complicated and contorted labyrinth of walls which are covered with seeds. These seeds have a small amount of fruit on them, and then only efficient way to eat then is to gnaw on the fruit like a carnivore, though in the process one would practically have to wear a poncho and galoshes to prevent being drenched in red juice. Pomegranate, however, has a sweet reward, as do other difficult fruits in this category, such as mangos, grapefruit, and kiwi. Fruit in this category is almost always worth eating.

            This last category is the highest on the worth eating scale containing fruits that are both delicious and easy to prepare. These fruits taste good, and also don’t require any peeling or cutting. This category includes apples, strawberries, blueberries, star fruit, and seedless grapes. There are also several fruits that require some peeling or cutting, yet make it into this category anyways due to their high yield of deliciousness per effort required to prepare. These fruits include watermelon because of the shear amount of fruit that can be harvested with just a few cuts and bananas because they are incredibly easy to peel. Fruit in this category is always worth eating.

            Next time you are cruising the isles of the produce department, trying pick out fruit, ask yourself “How easy is this fruit to prepare?” and “Does it taste good enough to warrant the effort it takes to prepare it?” Oh, and don’t ever buy cherimoyas.   

I'm not sure how sane I was in 9th grade. I was reminded that I wrote it when I read the below xkcd comic which has the same general theme, but in a more succinct pictorial format (However I do have to disagree on the classification of many specific fruits- like pomegranate and oranges- both delicious)